The Day My Heart Broke

Ten years ago, my heart along with so many others, broke forever. Although I have experienced countless joys in my life and considered it as fulfilled as any twenty something could expect, there is one void that can never be filled. One pain that can never be relieved and a wound that can never be healed.

In trying to think of what to say this day, I decided to post a paper that I wrote during my senior year of high school. I don't believe that I can, particularly this year, bring myself to write something new and relive it all again. Particularly since last night my grandmother passed away.

Its already begun to take a toll on me that I hadn't expected. Each time someone asks me that simple question "how are you?" that lump appears in my throat and I can barely stand to breathe. So, perhaps later I will be able to share more details for those interested parties. For those who want to know more, but don't dare ask.
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I was fifteen when it happened. Just a regular teen living out her life as a high school student. I still remember that day perfectly. It was a bright, sunny day in January. It wasn't warm by any means, but sunny none-the-less. No matter how happy I was that afternoon; my life was forever changed by the events that followed.

My mother had just picked me up from school. She said that we had to go to the store. I asked her if I could buy a birthday card for my sister since her birthday was the next day. My mom said that Tara, my sister, wasn't coming home until the next weekend. "Then we'll celebrate her birthday," she said.

When we got home, I started putting away the groceries. Then I began to eat a bowl of my favorite cereal, Lucky Charms. A couple of minutes later the phone rang. I didn't pay much attention to it until I heard my mom's voice tone change. "I don't know how to talk to you right now. Call me in a few minutes; I'll try to call her." Then she hung up and looked at me with a distorted face. "There has been a fire at Tara's house. Her car is parked in the driveway."

As soon as those words went into my ears, I got up and ran outside. It had started raining. I barely noticed though. I just kept on running; I ran deep into the woods behind my house screaming. Then I collapsed onto a tree. My body and my mind had become weak from the news and attack of shock. My mind didn't want to believe it, but my heat knew. I just started wandering around my backyard. I wasn't thinking. My entire body went numb from the shock. At one point, I was rocking myself on the ground while sitting in a puddle. It was an attempt to console myself.

My random screams and insanity slowly turned to remorse. I was sitting in a swing staring up at the sky. My mind started replaying the past. I started seeing images of Tara running up to the swing set, trying to dive into the pool, and driving up to the pool house, where she had lived for a year. Without noticing that I was doing it, I began yelling up to the heavens, "I love you Tara." I hadn't understood what I had done until the echo was heard in my ears.

Then I started thinking about all the terrible things I had done to her when we were younger. It made my stomach turn. I wanted to go back in time and change it all. I wanted to say that I was sorry. But now, my chance had passed forever. My eyes filled with tears again.

My father then came onto the back deck of our house, and starting calling my name. I went running to him and gave him a huge hug. "I just took Kevin to Papa's house. He doesn't know yet. We are going to meet Uncle Matt at Taco Bell to take him with us to Athens," he said. He thought that it would be best if my little brother didn't come with and found out just yet.

When Matt got into the car with us, he held me in his arms. The whole time I was trying to think of how the fire started, and how she died. My head started the idea that she had lit some candles, and that they had fallen over when she was asleep. I wanted to believe that she died in peace and didn't feel the inferno in her room.

Some how I made it to Athens without tearing myself into pieces with situations. It had stopped raining by this time. I remember how I felt walking up to the police station and watching strangers come up to me and hug me. I felt as if my body had turned inside out, and the whole world could see my broken heart.

The room they took us into was very cold and stale smelling. I remember thinking that it was all a dream, and that I wasn't there and none of this was happening. How wrong was I? Very, very wrong. Little did I know that more was about to happen to my family and my innocence.

They sat my sobbing mother, my father, my uncle and I down at the table in the center of the room. The detective looked at us and said with a soft, gentle voice, "We believe that foul play was involved." At that moment I heard my uncle make a sound so horrible and heart twisting that it echoed through the station. It was a loud shrill. I had never heard a sound so awful in my life.

The news was like a stab through the chest to me. I couldn't believe that someone had taken my sister away from me. It was bad enough when I thought that she had died by accident, but when she is taken from you; its a completely different feeling. To me it was like I had lost her twice.

The rest of the memories of the police station have become hazy, so I will not continue with those details. The next thing that happened was my family had checked into a hotel room. My mother was constantly throwing up all night. We couldn't get her to eat anything. She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry honey. You should've had your sister all your life." Then I just stroked her hair and said, "I will always have her."

That night, as I laid down next to my uncle, I thought about what I said to my mom. I came to understand that I will always have her. Maybe not physically, but she will always be living in my heart. I will always have my memories with me about the good times and the bad times. I will always be able to see her running and smiling in my dreams.

Those thoughts have helped me live with the pain of losing my sister. Even her funeral was easier knowing that I will always have my past with her and that one day we may be reunited.

Slowly, my life has gotten back on track. As I begin my education at Georgia College and State University, the same school Tara had attended for her undergraduate, I think how she may be smiling down at me. All I can say to myself is, "I miss you Tara."