Oh, if only time machines existed. What would I have done differently? How would I have protected myself? Would I have listened to my brain earlier and picked up on the clues?
Well, unfortunately we can't go back in time. Rather than play the "what if game," I rather look back at the happier moments and take them for what they were. I have to believe that there will be more to come, that is with someone new, delightful and enchanting. Until then, I will keep my memories.
After we broke up, I requested certain items back from my ex. Specifically some cards that I had given him from special holidays and his graduation. These things don't mean much to men, and I know that his new girlfriend would simply ask that they be thrown out (which is understandable).
However, I like to keep mementos. Like the song, "Keep old love notes, throw away old bank statements," or something like that. Although, come to think of it, I don't throw away bank statements either. One step at a time Mere, one step at a time.
Anyway, I still have the rose that he brought me on our first date and the rose that he gave me from his brother's wedding. They are just little (dried and crispy) keepsakes to remind me that no matter how he is now, and how he will be, there was a time that we were happy. The cards are to remind me of how I felt for him and that I will feel that way, or more, towards another.
I have fond memories of the time we went with Sarah and Ben to Eli's wedding. The trip to St. Louis where I, with a little assistance, drove a stick shift. Playing in the city museum alone is well worth the brain space.
There were also the little things. The face he made the time that he accidentally ran over the watermelon in my garden while cutting the grass. The time he washed my car before a baby shower and accidentally knocked off my deer whistle. Again, another image forever burned in my memory.
The story that his friend told me about after their trip to Las Vegas is probably my favorite. Apparently the drive home from the airport was a speedy one, and he all but threw his friend out of the car who happened to have paid for the trip; all to come and see me before I crashed for the night.
Watching him salute and pull off on his bike in the Tour
de Tugaloo was a real treat. I was so proud of him that day, and so worried at the same that he would push himself over the limit. He made it though, with little injury.
Or how about that time that we went to IKea for the couch and he strapped it to the roof of my car and unknowingly tied the doors shut. We had to climb in "nascar" style. My little brother and his friend watched in giggled the entire time. It still makes me laugh. He even sent a picture to his father.
The last time that it snowed, we built a snowman in the front yard. The whole time he kept getting on to me for touching the snow with my bare hands, worried that they would get too cold.
The night that he found out he didn't get accepted to UGA for law school, I cried all the way home from the gym. I was so worried on how he was taking the news and so heart broken for him. Although sad, its still a testament to my love for him.
I will miss our trips to Transmet Pizza, Fire House, Wild Wing, Memorial Park to feed the ducks and walk his dog. The nights that he would try to cook and I would pretend to like it. That time he put aloe on my back because I burnt the crap out of it kayaking down the Broad River. (Which I need to do again, minus the sunburn.) That time that I was at my grandmother's house trying to figure out how to operate my grandfather's media equipment. He talked me through it on the phone, ha, it must have been so frustrating I'm sure.
One time, my little brother (who is not computer literate by any means) crashed his computer the night that a paper was due. Matt pulled all the strings that he could to try to help Kevin get it fixed. I really appreciated his efforts to do something that he really didn't have to.
After I had my wisdom teeth out, according to my roommate at the time, she and he stood in the kitchen for a good five minutes debating on what type of cup I could or could not drink out of. He also drove me all the way to my parents for the weekend and came back to get me. He really did go out of the way that time.
The sweetest one... it was New Year's and my younger brother was picking on me, as he does, and Matt was going along with it. Well, I really felt picked on, but I didn't say anything. I just went to bed. Well, the next morning, Matt apologized for it and said that I didn't deserve it and that he loved me.
Once I made him a lunch for the next day and I wrote on the plastic container with a dry erase marker a little note for him. He didn't realize it until I asked him about it later that night. There was also that time when he got really sick at work and I took an early lunch to go and get him and take him home. I was so worried about him that day. He never gets sick.
I also miss just scratching his head. We would be just watching TV, and I would literally, just scratch his head. Early in our relationship, I use to get manicures on a regular basis. After each one, he would "test" out my newly trimed nails to make sure they were up to par.
I miss those morning walks from the parking lot to work and his way to school. Our impromptu lunches. I remember that I skipped a few classes here and there just so I could see him sooner that day. (I made sure I didn't miss anything too important. Don't worry). I remember once we drove to South Carolina twice in one weekend. He on his bike and me in the car. I didn't mind though. I loved spending time with him, and I loved spending time with his family. They really are a neat bunch.
Our trip to New York, I really loved that. The cruise on the last night was well worth the trip alone. The photos he took were breath taking. I showed them to everyone and made him hang them on the wall.
The night that I tried to throw him a surprise birthday party. Ha, I slaved all night on his cake, the plans, and what happened? The last person to walk in the door forgot to lock it. He walked right in and surprised all of us. Then when I went to go get the cake and put the candles on it in my bedroom, he accidentally walked in on that too. He seemed to still appreciate it though.
When we went to the "Open House" at a prospective law school, I was so proud of him. He went and introduced himself to the right people, was composed and was starting to figure out how he would pull it off if he ended up going there. While the "students" were getting an introduction on what to expect, I sat there scribbling away making notes and lists of things that I needed to do to make this work for us. I was writing down names of towns that I could live in and places to work so that I could be there with him. I was so willing to uproot my life to follow him in his endeavors.
On our way to town, we stopped at my old Alma Mater and ate dinner at my favorite restaurant. We sat there and talked about what prospects lay ahead of us and I was worried and happy all at the same time. I was really to explode, go home and start packing for this great adventure that we were about to embark on.
Then there was our last weekend together. I had gotten sick and he took me to the doctor. Unbeknown st to me, while I was in the Wal-mart pharmacy getting my prescriptions filled, he was calling the local Chinese restaurant and ordering me hot and sour soup, my "cure all." I couldn't believe that he was that thoughtful and considerate and I considered myself lucky at the time.
Finally, Valentines Day. Just before it, we visited this tapas place in Atlanta. He really seemed to like it. So I used it as inspiration. I made pasta, pastries and a cruton salad thingy all from scratch. I worked so hard, and I thought that I really paid off. He really seemed to enjoyed it. I have so much leftover that I had to freeze some and take the rest to work. My co workers really enjoyed it to. The next day his status said "yum, yum." Ha, it really made me feel special.
After dinner, we just snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. I felt so comfortable and safe just laying there in his arms. I had wanted to feel that for so long. That feeling where you no longer have to entertain the person, that they are there for you, just to be with you. They relax you with just their presence.
Of course there are many more memories, but those I would rather keep to myself. Locked away in this callus heart of mine. It is because of these memories, though, that I have a hard time understanding what happened. But that's not really the point though is it? I just have to accept that what happened, happened. One day, someone else will come along. When that day does come, I will finally let it all go.
It may sound strange, but this really is cheap therapy that works. Well, that and the fact that hating someone just requires too much effort and energy. I know and understand that he is a completely different person now than he was when I fell in love with him, but that still doesn't change the way that I felt, and it felt great, while it lasted. And I know that one day I will feel it again. I just have to be patient and continue on my path.
You two really made me feel welcome when I moved here. I know that I had Sarah with me, but I still felt pretty lonely. Thanks for all the invites over the years and support.
First and foremost, I have decided that I will never again date anyone that is younger than me. I am tired of waiting for people to grow up and meet the "real world." I have gone through medical school with one, after he graduated, he decided that he didn't want the same things anymore. My last, I went through the last year and a half of his undergraduate, endured the LSAT with him and awaiting the acceptance letters. At first I thought that I was truly special in that I was getting to experience this exciting time with him. And there were some of those here and there. But when I look back now, especially with "new eyes," I see how it wasn't right for me at all.