60 Sec on the Tufted Couch

Beware, you are about to enter the deep dark depths and regions of my subconscious.

Sunday morning I woke up crying, and I don't mean that I was crying in my dream (which I was), but I woke up and my face was wet and my eyes were swollen. Sarah said that she had heard me and thought that I was awake. Nope, sound asleep.

Now, how terrible does a dream have to be in order to make this heartless monster cry? Pretty bad.

I was in a room, like a conference room, and I was surrounded by just about everyone that I knew. There were people from work, people from the gym (including my trainers) and people from school. They were all criticising me for things that I had not done, or telling me that I was lazy or complacent, or that I wasn't doing well in school. I kept retorted back, "I have a 3.9, I've lost 36 pounds, I never sleep. What more do you want from me?"

I walked away and some how ended up in the copier room. One of the attorneys here walked up to me and just placed his hand on my back while I cried. Geez, even in my dreams I can't allow others to seem me cry.

On my drive home last night. I was trying to think it through and figure out what was bothering me. I know that something is because Friday night I went to sleep at 3:30 and woke at 5:30. Two hours of sleep is simply not sufficient. But no matter how much I tried, I just laid there starring at the ceiling and glancing at the clock every few minutes. Time almost seemed to just stop.

I think that I have it all sorted. I have worked so hard for everything that I have and continue to still do so much. Sarah N. is constantly asking me to take a rest. Jacki tells me to stop being so hard on myself. "You are a full time employee, you are a full time student, you work out everyday, and you are a full time daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. Breathe once in a while."

I think that I get scared sometimes that if I stop, someone might take all that away from me. I lost myself once, and I am so afraid that it will happen again, that I fight it, aggressively. I get home some nights and don't feel like doing a single solitary thing, but, I won't even pop in a movie or sit. I make myself change into workout clothes and get a move on. I don't actually sit down at home until I am ready to eat. I make myself be in a constant state of motion.

Even last night. I went straight to the grocery store before going home first. I cruised the isles and battled the students, who were doing their first shopping trip, for the last box of cereal. I patiently (okay maybe not) stood behind them while they blocked the entire isle debating over what kind of peanut butter they were going to purchase. Finally, after checking out and listening to the u-scan attendant explain things six times to one guy, I made it out of there and was finally on my way home. I opened the door and I did not sit until I had unloaded the car, put away the groceries, unpacked my bag, started a load of laundry, put away my shoes and got out what all I would need in the morning. I fed the cat, watered the plants and fertilized them, and set roomba out for a stroll. When I finally did sit, it wasn't for long. Just a hour later it was time for tea and bed.

This morning was just as bad. I got up, fed the cat, took my tea cup to the dishwasher, turned it on, started another load of laundry, picked out what I was going to wear, ate, set roomba out again, put the cat out, showered, made up my bed, got dressed and got my lunch items together and was out the door. I think that I might have even checked my e-mail during all that. I can't remember.

Could I be right though? Am I over compensating for fear that it will all just stop one day? Am I going to just run myself into the ground?