Raging Mere

Usually when I go for a run, I typically listen to an online radio station via my phone. Yes, it is bulky and the headphone cord tends to get in my way, but I still do it. You've got to have your tunes.

While I was running yesterday, I discovered something. The program usually creates stations for you based on what you typically listen to and songs that you "like." The only time that I actually listen to it is when I am at the gym or running solo.

Yesterday's playlist consisted of Ludacris and Eminem (not any of his usually happy beat stuff either). Hmmm. What is it trying to tell me?

As of late, I will routinely wake up with "Love the Way You Lie" stuck in my head. It usually begins with "You just gonna watch me burn." Probably not a good sign. Why is it that my subconscious is so angry? It must be, right? Why else would those songs be infiltrating my life. When I run, my brain kind of shuts down and I go on auto pilot for a while. I still have the sense to look before crossing the street and all, but for the most part, I try not to think.

For instance, last night I ran down to Research, which is almost four miles there and back. I was almost home when I was waiting for a light to change and I noticed that my fingers were numb. However, I didn't think about it other than "that's weird." As I neared closer and closer to home, my brain starting to boot back up. That's when I noticed that there was this sharp pain in my shin and side and that my playlist was, well, angry.

I know that I often get mad at myself for not having done this sooner. Plus the fact that since mid June, I have only lost two pounds. Granted, I did gain four while on vacation, and I have since lost that, but I can't help but feel discouraged every time I step on that scale.

I really wanted to reach my goal by Labor Day. Not only for the jump, but also that is when I go and see my doctor again. I know that what I have done so far is great, but having my doctor tell me will only solidify it in my mind, and I might actually start celebrating myself rather than berating and pushing myself so hard (sometimes too much).

Is my subconscious so enraged with me that its pushing my body beyond its limits?